My husband has recently taken golf up again. It has been an on and off love affair since I meet him in 1995. Not too long ago he purchased a new set of irons with the intentions of playing regularly with some of his new co-workers. He went to play a few times and one time the guys decided to play an additional 9 holes. I will admit after 5 hours I was getting just a little worried about where he was (for safety reasons only). Sure enough just when I was about to call to make sure all was ok he called to let me know they decided to play an additional 9 holes. Ok no problem.
What he said when he got home surprised me. One of his co-workers mentioned that he might be in trouble when he got home. I looked at him quizzically and asked if he possibly did not call his wife to let her know the extra playing time and maybe she was worried? My husband said, “Oh No he called her several time.” So I asked what he would be in trouble for. He said for staying out to play longer. I thought that was strange but didn’t say anything more.
In the next few weekends my husband would get the guys together to play golf if he could on Saturday or Sunday. The comment was made that unlike him the other guys had to “ASK” their wife if they could play. I guess I was a little surprised. I’ve never told my husband what he could or couldn’t do with his free time. Now of course if we have a family outing or I wanted to plan something I would discuss it with him a head of time so he didn’t make his own plans, but he has never had to ask if he could do something. I only request that he let me know what he is doing and if something runs longer just let me know so I don’t worry or think all is fine if it is not.
Now I don’t know what other husband’s are doing but mine is pretty much a home body. He prefers to be at home with the family. Neither of us do a lot of socializing unless it is an event at work. I would like to think, however, that if he wanted to I wouldn’t have a problem with it or feel like I have the right to tell him he can’t. Or even mores so have a problem with him wanting to do things that don’t include me. Just because we get married doesn’t mean our interest and likes and dislikes cease to exist.
I guess I’m just surprised by this. Does the man or the woman have to wear the pants? Can’t it be an equal partnership? Or am a missing something? It seems that my husband is in the minority when it comes to this issue in his office.
Jill (@LifeLoveCake) says
I’m with you. My hubby always looks like the cool one because he rarely gets flack from me for hanging with the guys whereas the other wives tend to keep a tighter leash on their men.
The fact that I don’t mind our time apart or need to be around him 24-7 combined with the fact that he really does want to hang out with me, sometimes over or with the guys, is a perfect combination.
I’m guessing that some men abuse their “away from family” time.
Colleen says
I think key factor to my story as well as yours and others is your husband enjoys spending the time at home and with you. So the few times they do want to get away with the guys seems very acceptable.
anna pry says
my hubby could go out whenever he wanted but it’s never been an issue, i guess it’s just courtesy to ask the other in case they had planned something
Colleen says
Oh yes I do agree, my husband will often call me and say BTW I’m going golfing Saturday with the guys if that is ok? He isn’t really “asking” but letting me know his plans and making sure I didn’t already have plans for us or need anything from him.
We definitely respect each other.
Karen Greenberg says
I have had this same question in the past. I think my husband and I do a pretty good job of balancing the scales. Like your husband, mine is a home-body, as am I. Neither of us make too many plans that don’t include the whole family. When he does want to go out, he does. Like your husband, Daniel’s friends think it’s really neat that he doesn’t have to call me 50 times while they are out together. Cell phones are a wonderful invention, but they do get in the way of enjoying time away from home sometimes. From what I have noticed the women around us tend to run the schedules, and they want to know who, what, when, where, and what’s happening at all times with their men. I’m just glad mine is getting out when he’s away from me. He needs to do it more often!
Colleen says
It sounds like we both have the same time of give and take with our spouses. It seems like a healthy way to do things.
Chris says
It is very easy to want to call the wife in question a clingy shrew. We really can’t make a judgment call about the relationship not being in the marriage and not knowing what is going on at home. Maybe the couple had plans for later with friends and the husband typically has no concept of time, is always having one more beer, golfing one more round or stopping at just one more place. Dinner could be getting cold and was made for a special milestone. The wife could be ill and he promised to go to the pharmacy by a certain time. Or there could be children at home needing a ride or having been promised time with their dad by their dad. The husband could have cheated in the past. You just never know.
Also, some couples don’t see each other all week, due to conflicting shifts, childcare and the like. It is a big let down when you want just a little time together to be faced with another round of golf. And that could take hours.
We can sit here and rest on our laurels that we are the “cool” wife or girlfriend, but you never know if the “cool” buddy your husband or boyfriend has is a cheater whose wife is now constantly understandably jumpy, or what is supposed to transpire at home later in the day.
Colleen says
I totally agree every relationship is different.
My basis was more about a mainstream thought that seems to be prevalent that men have to ask their wives if they are allowed to do something. I know as a wife I wouldn’t want to have to ask my husband if I could do something. Now that doesn’t mean we both do what we want when we want without taking each other into consideration. I will often tell my husband my plans and ask if he is ok with it, maybe he had already made plans for us.
This concept that women rule the roost and men have to ask permission just doesn’t seem right. If there are other issues like you said, away from home, spending too much time out, etc. That is an issue beyond asking permission.
This post was written after this conversation with my husband how he seemed to be “lucky” to not have to ask his wife as well as after seeing a commercial (can’t remember the product) about a little boy that presents a power point presentation to his parents to get a dog. The parents get him the dog and shortly after the dad comes out with his own power point on why he should be allowed to play golf and the wife shakes her head no.
I guess all that I’m saying is that as adults we should not have to “ask” for permission from spouses, but it seems that many men give the perception or believe that they do have to ask for permission which isn’t always far to either party.
Shar Donoho says
I think that your hubby is quite happy & enjoys spending time w/you and the family.